Hamfats.ca

I read an article on Wired last week that stated something along the line of trying to plan a trip is a descent into chaos. I couldn’t agree more. When I was younger and full of hope and all things good in the world, I used to enjoy the ritual of flying – putting on my sunday best, saying my pleasantries to the airline workers, and reading all the magazines in the back pouch of the seat ahead of me. Now I’m one of those disgruntled fat TIES praying each moment of the way that a) my flight leaves on time b) there won’t be any babies/loud snorer/bob the talking hair piece on the plane or c) the in-flight announcements are kept at a minimum so I can do some work or get some shut eyes.

Yes, I’ve become one of those people who requests a window seat then promptly closes the window covers and falls asleep (or at least try to fall asleep). I’m not proud of it (but yes I do know that the world looks different when you are looking at it from above).

I did however, come up with some insights from my latest whirl-wind tour of Toronto >> New York >> Toronto >> Montreal >> Las Vegas >> Toronto >> Montreal the past two weeks:

• It might be tempting, but never take the offer that the airline gives you when they overbook a flight. It’s a trap.
• There’s nothing better than an overpriced martini at the airport lounge. It makes you feel like a baller and off to some sort of secret mission.
• When the USA Customs Officers ask you why you are traveling to one of their fair cities, don’t actually say, “to go dancing at an exchange/workshop weekend/jazz event”. They won’t get it and more than likely you’ll be detained for more questioning. Instead, say you are going to a “convention” and if they probe even more, “an arts convention”. Not only will you breeze through the twenty questions game, you’ll actually get a friendlier send off as the Officers think you are going to spend lots of money in their country.
• Being able to sleep while sitting is the most useful skill I have acquired in my life.
• My bucket list goal in life is to only ever fly with carry-on luggages. How much can you stuff in two 23cm x 40cm x 55cm bags?
• iPhones + fat fingers + electronic boarding pass + carrying two heavy luggages while waiting in line to board the plane = INCREASED RISK OF DELETING YOUR BOARDING PASS!!!
• Don’t joke around with the ladies at the airline terminal counter. They ain’t having any of that and you won’t get an upgrade/seat change/flight change for free no matter how funny your jokes about dungeons and dragons are.
• Suggested check-in times are not really “suggested” than more so “required”.
• If you sit in the back 25% of the plane, there is a high chance that they won’t have a chicken sandwich left for you when the meal/food cart comes. And if you’re a vegetarian, chances are they’ll only have chicken sandwiches left.
• You have approximately 0.000005 seconds when going through the bag check point to put ALL YOUR SHIT AND SHOES in the plastic treys before the rest of the line gets disgruntled. That’s just how it is.
• Being really high in the sky makes people really gassy for some strange reason. I have no idea why, but just be weary of people who look like they might fart a lot.